You're probably wondering, man what's with this person doing the update? Wheres Alleya/Septimus/My Mommy? Well due to unforseeable circumstances I'm not allowed to talk about, I have to do the update this month. And I'm just going to let you know, prepare to be disappointed. If you're expecting one of Sept's zany cynical antics, or Alleya's thought provoking humor, you're not going to find either of those. No, instead you'll have to endure me ranting about, well, whatever the hell I feel like. You might ask "Well Kuno, I expect a funny update when I read the front page", in which case I understand I better comply before I get swarms of angry posts. And now I present to you:

KUNO'S AWESOME UPDATE STUFF

Unless you've been living in a hole (No offense to any mole-people players), this latest patch brought a large amount of new content to the game. There's so much to talk about but I think I know what's on everyones mind...

PANKRATION

That's right, Pankration. This patch was the greatest thing ever for bringing back one of my most favorite activities, despite the fact it's both time consuming and useless to do. That precocious little scamp shown above is Rabid Reaver, the snow bunny known for his ability to Whirl Claw world hunger. Septimus has always told me that no matter how strong you are in this game, what rare armor you have and what sort of dark sorcery you can cast, there will always be a bunny in this game that is capable of fucking murdering you. And this fact will always be true in Final Fantasy 11. The only downside to Pankration is the bullshit that are the dark elementals that pillage in the champ's cage. Dark elementals are gay and you should be ashamed of yourself for using them. But either way, everyone loves Pankration, and if you don't you better learn to love it. That's because of the new system they added:

ZNMS!

This new zany system combines many things we love in FFXI all in one! Pankration, limbus style tiers, old sea system of not getting pop items, with the final AV-style touch of a question mark out of place that ruins all your work. It's everything the playerbase has longed for! But all that aside, it could be a whole lot worse. Well, a lot worse then drops that are mostly considered useless with old ugly models that people already hated with a passion. As well as 8 new elemental grips that are marginally useful. What else was added this patch?

BEASTMEN RAGE!

SE decided to turn the dial on beastmen up to eleven and so they have been on a rampage on most servers. Even on Bahamut, Windurst is constantly under attack. But since it's Windurst nobody really cares so it's ok (Oh god I'm just teasing please don't hurt me Shantoto). The best thing about campaign is that no matter how many hours you put into changing the influence bar or the Ops you do to turn the tide, is that the only time that matters for campaign is the few hours before tally. Most anything done before then will get washed away during the middle of the day (NA time) when nobody is on and the beastmen get a huge chunk of influence in every zone. What's this I'm talking about? Influence? Taking over zones? Oh yeah I forgot, nobody cares about that stuff and the only thing campaign is for is setting up a bard-bot for free exp. Please disregard this rant and let's move on to...

DISSAPOINTMENT!

Everyone (but mostly the Summoners) wanted a pretty pony to play with. Instead we got a NM that advocates the slaughter of pixies and throwing their corpses at it for claim. Sure, it has good drops and is a challenging fight that can't be botted (easily at least), but someone please think of the pixies. The upside is Sandworm was made useful for when he eats everyone but your tanks, giving you 60 minutes to throw yourself at a beefed up old HNM. On top of that Pandemonium seems like be a challenging fight, provided you're willing to throw yourself at it even more for a seemingly endless fight. This type of update brought back a lot of new HNM that people like, the kind that separates the boys from the bigger boys. Even with these new NMs, and their massive strength and skilled need to defeat them, there is still a bunny somewhere that can murder all of them.

Stuff I did this month.

This is a pretty cool guy. He pops at that place sometimes but his dispelling and silencing moves are gay. Asshole. At least he took all our tanks into the BC with us.

I didn't like this guy. He was a big dick for running around so much. At least I got the body he drops, and I'm also in the pictures so I guess that makes it ok.

This guy killed Sept alot. It was entertaining to watch until he killed me also. I didn't like him either.

Theres also some other of these ZNM guys. Gotta catch em all, I guess.

HOLY CRAP IT'S A MAAT GET IN THE EMBASSY. Also I did regular dynamis stuff too. I bet you can feel the excitement.

I'm not in these pictures, but you can see my Fenrir. Which one is he? The one kicking the most ass. Nom nom nom Sleipnir spleen.

Niro being gay. It's about a joke he told on vent but couldn't get it out right. Instead he started laughing and crying at the same time, making these strange sounds instead. It's probably best you don't ask.

Zzzzzzzzzzz Look, sea. Excitement.

Stuff people got.

Congratulations to Aerides for Nashira Seraweels.

Congratulations to Atumre for Numerist Pumps, Muse Tariqah, and Homam Manopolas.

Congratulations to Barada for Shadow Trews.

Congratulations to Epical for Hakke Habaki, Love Halberd, Justice Sword, Faith Baghnakhs, Wind Grip, and Numerist Pumps.

Congratulations to Gorion for Koenig Diechlings and Askar Manopolas.

Congratulations to Kazen for Shadow Mantle and Blood Ring.

Congratulations to Khelek for Ace's Helm.

Congratulations to Kiara for Skadi's Visor.

Congratulations to Kuno for Blood Ring, Karura Hachigane, and Zahak's Mail.

Congratulations to Mongomong for Nashira Seraweels.

Congratulations to Mukuu for Blood Ring.

Congratulations to Nickolias for Altruistic Cape.

Congratulations to Rocl for Shusui.

Congratulations to Ryphen for Askar Zucchetto, Bard's Cuffs, Sorcerer's Tonban, Summoner's Horn, and Valor Cape.

Congratulations to Slone for Adaman Hauberk.

Congratulations to Tearshang for Muse Tariqah. Congratulations to Ryphen for Muse Tariqah.

Congratulations to Tsukasaz for Karura Hachigane, Muse Tariqah, Solitaire Cape, and Cleric's Mitts +1.

Oh and look who just happened to be lootwhore. I got alot of shit too! I wasn't loot whore for a while, god damn it.

Well this gay taru got alot of stuff so grats to him. Congratulations to Nirokun for Novia Earring, Karura Hachigane, Enkidu's Mittens, Altruistic Cape, Astute Cape, Solitaire Cape, and Askar Zuchetto.

- Kuno out

(Ps. Screw you Square for not picking my numbers)